Things are changing.
For one thing, I’m eating more regularly than I have in over a decade. I’m not yet over one meal a day, but I’m eating one full meal, and I feel okay. My goal is to get to three. I have not purged in over a week.
For another, I’m probably changing majors. I feel called to go from a Theatre major and a Spanish minor to a Spanish major with a concentration in teaching English as a second language. I’ve felt called to do this for years but am just now looking at pursuing it.
I may keep the Theatre minor, I don’t know. I’m also starting to look into Africana studies (also something I’ve been interested in for years) and gender and women’s studies. I can’t make up my mind and I’m trying to pray about each one and get some guidance from Someone who knows more than me.
That is an issue in itself- the changing majors. I’ve built my life around Theatre, but I feel god tugging on my heart strings and I know I have to listen. Theatre will always be my hobby and my passion, but I am feeling so called to serve that I just can’t ignore it anyone. Teaching ESL was my major in 2011, so it’s less of a change and more of a shift back. Interestingly enough, I’m not afraid because I know Who goes before me. I’m choosing to truly believe that if God is calling me in one direction, then He will provide.
I think this is know as letting go, as recovery. I’m seeing it more as authenticity with myself and with my God. There are so many more important things in this broken world than the private hell I created for myself. I’m no longer seeing the value in being the sickest or the thinnest, and I’m ready to become the person I’m meant to be.
I’ll be leaving this blog up and may still update it, as I don’t have an unrealistic expectation of my recovery. but I’m just not seeing the value in documenting step after exhausting step deeper into myself. I am not doing anyone any amount of good by staying with my addictions. I want to be in the world. I want to hold the hurting and the helpless and to show people hope. Specifically, I want to teach ESL abroad. I want to visit Sevilla, which has inspired my next tattoo (NO8DO. It symbolizes “No me ha dejado,” or “It has not left me.” The phrase reminds me of hope. Hope has not left me).
Like my eating disorder, this blog served (and may continue to serve) a purpose for me. It was expression and connection and understanding. I’m finding ways to get those things in my daily life now, through school and church. I no longer need to write about my struggles anonymously because I’m no longer ashamed.
I may open another blog about my journey through recovery and through my dramatic changes at school. If I do, I’ll post a link on this page.
The friendships I’ve made online have been beautiful and wonderful. You all have touched my heart and have kept me afloat during the hardest of times. If you want to add me on Facebook so we can keep in touch, copy and paste the following link: http://www.twitter.com/losing_shae
That’s my twitter handle. My Facebook is linked in my header. I would love to hear how each of you, especially my regular readers, are doing.
The skeptic in me says to not hold your breath and see if I can last in recovery for more than a month or so. The hope in me says that I’ve had quite enough of being miserable and sick, and that I’m ready to go back to the land of the living. I’m already walking there. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but I’m on my way.
You can, too. You can be okay. Although at times it feels like the deepest pit of hell, the depth of an eating disorder is actually nothing more than a line in the sand. When you’re ready, step out and come join me in the light. I’ll be waiting for you. It’s so much better out here.